Mindless Ranter

My first experience of giving a 26 hr exam! I could not pace myself well, I dont think I did particularly great. I just gave up in the end. Since 9 pm on friday, I have precisely done nothing. I let myself flow and spent time away from Physics. Enjoying every moment..  clinging on to that lil bit of hope.. its much like holding sand. It’s weird, because there are no fights, there is no bitterness, there is care, there are smiles, there is fun, there is craziness, there is madness, there are giggles, but there isn’t something. I’ve experienced the best and the worst of relationships and i could hold on to none. That’s the saddest and best part.

I went to a gathering last week. It was organized by a few people who run a society called ‘ASHA’ – promoting child education in India, collecting funds for the same. I was amazed at the level of discussions. ‘Adda’ at the highest level, like the Romans and the Greeks. I felt like a moron amidst cultured and brilliant people. Great thinkers in their respective fields, yet thinking about social welfare of a country so far away. The primary driving force being – “I have to do something” . When i came back home, a few things kept reverberating in my mind. Why is it that people back home(with due respect to the young and the old) in my family never understand this? There are so many things to do, so much to know, and yet people are so hell bent on fighting and creating pain for everyone, instead of trying to create a peaceful ambiance. Sharing, caring and loving: aren’t these the ingredients of a harmonious household? How do people become so narrow-minded?

Negative energy has accumulated too much in my system. I need to dissipate it.

A Promise

A promise I made,

A promise I broke;

A promise I make to myself,

A promise that I will keep,

A promise of self-restraint and worth,

A promise to keep afloat.

A promise to be the girl I used to be,

A promise to be merry, happy and glee;

A promise to have a clear vision,

A promise to achieve my goal.

A thought

Be who you are and say what you feel, for those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Revelations and Liberation..

Indeed….. “it does happen for a reason”.

The amazing set of camaelions in my life .. .. reminds me of the “Orient Express” by Agatha Christie.

Reason

They say..  “it all happens for a reason”.

If the end result is bitter animosity… is that a valid enough reason ?

Bursts…

Yep, this is how it is going to be !   My emotions, my mood, my blogging, my love, are always in a pulsed mode. Someone had once said that my mood is almost like the “English Weather” !!! haha..  but that’s how i am..   The only thing that has ever been in a continuous and consistent mode  in my life is “workaholism“. Today i’m just going to type out some random thoughts about the past, present and the future.

It actually feels amazing to be back home so early, sitting with a cup of tea and typing arbit stuff ! The days have now become much longer and there’s  sunlight at 7 pm. Yay ! That’s exactly how I feel ! I’m looking forward to the days when i’l feel atleast 3 kgs lighter !!!    Generally I walk home.  It gives me just enough time to ease my mind – exactly 20 mins, from Rockefellar Hall to 119 Blair Street.  While walking home today, i felt this pleasant silence.. perturbed only by the sweet singing of the birds….   a thought struck me.. could i capture it ? Well.. . may be not the silence, by the ambience ..  yes.. I had my camera with me.

Central Campus

College Avenue

119 Blair Street

I wish I could have recorded the  chirping of the birds. It was extremely soothing. Infact, I was debating whether I should paint or write.. ..  and I chose the lazier path of the two as usual !  

On to other things..  what have I been doing during the past one month ? Working (the usual stuff..  not over working), sleeping a lot, watching plenty of movies,  thinking and freaking out sometime. My Q exam is coming up, so that’s a headache. My 510 experiment is not working, so that’s a real problem; I cannot coherently put down my thoughts about the experiment… it’s terrible. The manual needs to be re-written and re-organised.  Research is making snail slow progress – thats good. Pablo and Vivek have been very patient with me. They constantly answer my bugging questions. I’ve now learnt how to scan across the 5 different hollow core fibers. (details about the experiment in a later post). I can now trace out the path of the invisible beam by looking at the set-up. Still make mistakes sometime and Vivek gives me nasty glances and explains again ! It’s an intriguiging maze, just that im not walking in it, the infra red beam is !

The good part is that i’ve finished grading all the homeworks and quizes of my students. I realised that sometimes I tend to be a very biased teacher ! I don’t know whether its just me being biased about certain things or is it a natural human tendency. For example, when my good students dont understand a trivial thing and ask me repeated questions, i’m very patient with them, where as, im terribly impatient in answering the same repeated questions of my bad students ! I feel bad about it, but then I can’t help it 60% of the time !

Well ok, then there was the statistical mechanics mid-term before the spring break. It was shear torture ! 5 questions with on average 5 parts each ! grrr. . . but yea. . I devoted a lot of time (90% of the week) and managed to decipher most of the exam. Moral of the story: I hate take home exams !!! Then it was time for “Spring Break“.  And a long break indeed.

It started in a true spring style. It was 4:30 pm, Friday the 13th of March. Chilling out at the Big Red Barn  with a bunch of classmates and then with my other international friends. Later in the night, some quick fire planning led me to be in Willard Straight Hall to watch an old classic movie – “China Town”. Then onwards it was one of the nicest moments i’ve spent since coming to Ithaca in August, 2008.

It was 2:30 am and I still hadn’t packed! I was supposed to catch the 9:30 am bus to New York city to visit my masi. Normally I would have packed my stuff and cleaned my apartment before leaving, but this time I didn’t. I was happy and I didnt want to displace a thing in my room. So I left it as it is and embarked on the 5 hrs journey to Port Authority Bus terminal at Manhattan followed by a 45 minutes subway ride to Brooklyn. Considering the fact that i’m prone to motion sickness and I hadn’t slept most of the previous night, I should have slept all the way upto New York City, but it was not so. I enjoyed the ride, constantly listening to music, saw the occasional snow covered ground, the slowly evolving terrain – from the brown hills and grassy valleys to the concrete jungle. .. from the gushing river flowing by to the sauve Hudson .. it was all beautiful. I could almost see the green defeating the grey and feel my heart beat again.

Vision

It was a nice short (3 days) holiday with lots of eating and soon it was time to be back. I was looking forward to being back. That was Tuesday night.

Its Friday today, the 20th of March. 8:19 pm. The sun has set and its dark outside. The bubble has burst and it’s time to move on with a hope in my heart.

The Path

I wonder .. why did I choose this path ? Science..what did I know of science when i first developed the passion for it ? Nothing ! Just the fact that my dad is a doctor and my mom is a mathematician, made me genetically more inclined to this field. The fact that i did better in general science than in history, made me feel nice about it. The fact that I loved observing and playing with ants, made me feel closer to it.

As a kid, I demanded explanations for all things I saw. I wondered, why did the sky not fall down ?  Or why did the airplanes whoosh by with a white tail that faded into oblivion in a minutes time ? Why , why , why ? How did the lil ants know that there was sugar in the kitchen ? Rather,  how did they know that there was a kitchen ? !!!! I always asked mom for food;  do baby ants ask mommy ants for food?  How did the cock know that it was 4 am ? I can never make out whether its 5 am or 6 am !

The more I asked, the more my scrap book got filled up..or i should I say.. I was over burdened with factual knowledge.  That was it…duh… it was not enough….  no answers ! And that was the beginning of the path.  A craze, an obsession, a passion and now a profession (or soon will be). To know something from nothing. That is how I define research.

Well, why re-search then ? Why not just search ? Ummm….according to the dictionary, its a process of  “extensive investigation” .  To dedicate oneself to ask  relevant questions and then find answers to them. A “search” for the question and then a “research” for the answer/s. The truth is, the search, mostly, is a professor’s unfulfilled dream and the research, mostly, is a student’s hard work. 

So, I was at the cross road..it was the point of choosing my specialized field in science.  I loved biology, it made sense, but its not what would give answers to my questions.  I hate chemistry.. so no question.. I cant live in a smelling lab… well… im just left with Physics. A subject, that I hoped would give me, precise, logical and harmonious answers to most of my questions.

Then it was just a matter of following  social norms, getting good grades, climbing up the ladder and filling the tool kit on the way. Utilize the time and learn as much as possible, for it shall be useful later !

As later approached, my vision became myopic.  Where did I begin? What is my destination ?  Its the middle of the path that’s the scariest. I could not see the past;  I cannot see the future.

I can only see a the winding path getting hidden by the darkness….. a path that some day will lead me to my answers .. my light.

"The Path".. (a painting I did in my 2nd yr at St.Stephen's College)